This morning there was a story on the news about a woman in the US who sent in a video to Dr. Phil for a segment called "Mommy Confessions". In the video shot by the woman's 10 year old daughter you see the mom forcing one of her adopted seven year old twin boys to drink hot sauce and then forcing him to take a cold shower as punishment for lying. WTF! The kid even admitted to lying so he wouldn't get "hot sauce". SHE enabled the lying because of the severity of the punishment. He was trying to protect himself from her. WHY do people not get this? Well, some do but not all.
She admitted he was the cause of her greatest stress and when she forces the cold shower she's at the end of her rope. Really? Maybe you should re-think your decision to adopt special needs children if you are not capable of properly raising them. This is a disgusting display of abuse and it makes me furious to think these kids live with this monster. Does she think they are going to grow up thinking "gee wasn't our mom the best?" She'll be lucky if one of them doesn't snap and kill her in her sleep.
What gets me is why are the children not taken away from her until she's proven that she won't do this again? I know the fear a child feels living in an abusive environment. The anxiety is immense and the child lives in a constant state of fear of upsetting the abuser. Never knowing what will set them off. I know this first hand and for a child to have to experience this could alter their personality beyond recognition.
Disciplining a child is tricky business. On one hand you want to be sure they understand what they did was wrong and there are consequences to their actions, on the other hand you don't want the experience of being disciplined to scar them for life. Where do you draw the line? As a parent believe me it's a fine line and I know it can be really challenging maintain balance but it's what you have to do in order to raise physically, emotionally and mentally healthy kids. It's not negotiable.
In my humble opinion, any form of physical contact that harms a child, whether it be forcing them to drink hot sauce, or take a cold shower, or a smack upside the head is and always will be abuse. An open hand spanking on the bottom through clothes for younger children is not and according to Canadian law within a parents right as a means of discipline. I've spanked my kids, you bet. My son got a spanking when he was six for throwing rocks (at the urging of an older child) at moving vehicles. You know what? He never did that again.
As kids get older it's a little difficult to put them over your knee. So you have to get creative. First and foremost you have to lay down the rules and the consequences for breaking them and you can't arbitrarily change them to suite your whims. They also have to be realistic. Keeping in mind that the idea of a punishment is for the child to learn a lesson. You have to expect a certain amount of mistakes and to be forgiving. Kids are not guided by the same internal voice we are. They are far more in the moment not always foreseeing the consequence to their actions. Their judgment is lacking to say the least. That's no reason to freak out on them, and yup that's how they see it and now you've dropped a peg or two on the old respect ladder.
Some kids are risk takers some are not. The risk takers generally get themselves into hot water allot faster than their counterparts and allot more often. Do you beat the living snot out of them and say, why can't you be more like so in so (who doesn't take risks)? No, you calmly discuss what happened and why, and you figure out together the best form of punishment to ensure it doesn't happen again. Now keep in mind this is only successful with children who are for all intents and purposes "normal".
When you are dealing with a special needs child the playing field changes dramatically. They do not think logically, well not in our definition. They do not process the way a "normal" child does and they do not always see a connection between an action and a consequence. Yes in some cases the punishment has to be more severe for the lesson to be learned but it doesn't have to be abusive. My son for example doesn't process the way his sister does. He just goes ahead and does whatever pops into his head without thought of results of his actions. He gets himself into trouble usually without even realising it until it's way too late and then panics trying to "fix" things which in itself is stress inducing never mind the reaction from the adults in his life.
Kids usually lie to protect themselves, they don't do it to try to maliciously hurt their parents, they do it to protect themselves from being hurt by their parents. This is a symptom of abuse. When a child lies to get away with something they know is wrong that's different and a punishment should be levied. If a child lies to protect themselves from the punishment then the punishment should be reviewed. It's really that simple. IF you are hurting your child to the point that their protective instincts kick in then who is the one in the wrong here? You are hurting your child physically and mentally. You are no longer teaching but abusing.
Here's a little exercise that might help you understand what I'm saying. When you are calm, think back to the last few times you had to discipline your child or children. Think about how you felt disciplining them. Now here's the hard part. Put yourself in their position of receiving your discipline. Magnify it by the size difference as best you can, try to imagine what they are thinking and feeling while receiving their punishment, be it a smack or being yelled at and berated. Did you make them cry? Feel that emotion too, now ask yourself how you feel about the person punishing you now. Do you feel immense love? or is it fear or hatred or all out rage? I think you'd be surprised at what you discover. Now for every time you discipline your child ask yourself, what would you consider acceptable punishment for yourself for the same offense? AND how would you feel about the person punishing you? It's not an easy mirror to look in at all.
Abusers feel their actions are justified. If you feel remorseful for hurting your child congratulations, there is hope for you and you are on the right track. That doesn't excuse you however it just tells you that if you levied a punishment harsh enough that it causes you remorse than maybe just maybe it was a little too harsh for the offence. Like I said before, it's a fine line. Assess your methods and then re-assess them. Fine tune them, when you are NOT angry. When an incident arises that requires discipline, give yourself a timeout first. Make sure your child is safe, make it clear that you are not done with them and deal with the situation after you have had time to properly process and determine the severity and a means to a positive outcome and lesson taught.
This is what I do, and this is ALWAYS seen as inaction on my part. I do not freak out, I assess and determine the best way to deal with the situation in order to achieve the results I feel are best for the child and myself and OUR mother/child relationship. Believe me, I have lectured my kids to no end when it's just me and my kids. It's not done in front of anyone where the child may feel humiliated, that's not what I'm after. I'm after an understanding of the infraction and an acceptance of the consequence without causing harm either mentally, emotionally or physically.
Easier said than done? Absolutely! But well worth the effort in the long run. This doesn't mean inaction is the way to go, it just means you cannot just react. Careful consideration needs to be given every situation and fair acceptable consequences adhered to. Don't change your mind mid stream, this only adds an element of confusion and could aggravate the situation. Be calm assertive, as Cesar Milan would say and you will find your child to be calm submissive. Really it works on kids too! Be warned though, with older kids DO NOT be condescending, it's very insulting and you will not get the results you are looking for.
Most kids and teenagers are not complete idiots they do not like to be talked down to and you will only cause further aggravation if respect isn't given as equally as it is expected. Talk to them not at them and involve them in the conversation DO NOT lecture, one thing I've discovered is they shut down and you may as well talk to the wall for the effect it's going to have. Admittedly I am guilty of lecturing and I know damn well it was in one ear out the other but it made me feel better even though I didn't achieve the results I was looking for. So lesson for mom? Check, don't lecture...discuss which means ask questions and LISTEN to the answers.
That's, how I see it. Any questions?
Tammy.
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