Life Lessons 101 - Trust

I firmly believe every day is an opportunity to learn something, teach something and to grow on a personal level.

Today I was taught a valuable lesson, a lesson in trust.  I admit this is a tough one for me.  My trust has been betrayed in the past and because of this I can be a little cynical about it.  I doubt myself when trust is questioned, whether it be the trust I place in others or the trust they place in me.  I like to think I'm pretty trustworthy, but I know I'm not perfect, no one is and we all have the capacity to betray each other.  The scale to which we do is a whole other matter.

In today's lesson I learned that when I think too much about not being able to trust I find ways to prove I can't trust.  When I take a deep breath and look at it from a different angle, I realise I'm my own worse enemy.  Actually we all are.  We try too hard to find fault in others because of our own fragile egos, assuming someone is untrustworthy somehow elevates our own trustworthy status. It feeds the ego which is always starving.  Today I also learned to let my ego starve, to have faith and just trust.

With this lesson I realise I can literally create any reality I choose.  Whether it's right or wrong doesn't matter if I believe it.  People are untrustworthy only if they prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are, otherwise they deserve to be trusted.  They deserve the opportunity to trust you back. To not doubt or be doubted.

So why do we doubt?  Because of past lessons.  Because at some point in our existence trust has been broken, betrayed and someone has taught us not to give trust freely.  If I give you my trust I expect yours in return.  If I give you a reason not to trust me do I have the right to no longer trust you? Does that work both ways?  Can trust be regained? My belief? No, not completely. Once the damage is done the scar that remains is a constant reminder.  You're better off not causing the scar in the first place, just be as trusting as you expect from others.  Simple as that.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
 

“Loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.”
― Julianne Moore

Tread Softly Please.

I was recently involved in a situation that had me, well, at best - confused, there is so much else I could add but...

Without going into detail the one thing I learned from this situation is my "bull in a China Shop" approach to life just doesn't work. Not for this. Not for much really.

I'm impulsive by nature, I jump in with both feet and with the enthusiasm of a Kardashian with a new reality TV show!  (yes I just made that reference).  What I found out is it doesn't work all the time, or even most of the time.  People freak out! I freak people out!  I don't mean too, it just kind of happens.

I need to learn to tread softly so I don't spook the horses.  I need to learn that not everyone travels at the break-neck speed I do...I've learned this.  I've applied the breaks and am coasting along at a snails pace.  Is it driving me nuts? You bet! Will I live? Hell yes!  I may dash around like Flash, but I have the patients of a saint and I know that good things come to those who wait.  I also believe that great things come to those who work hard for them!  And some things are as well worth waiting for as working for!

I know who I am and I know my faults.  Thus far they haven't really been an issue and when they are, I'm fine with making adjustments, it's all part of being the absolute best person I can be.  Being self aware is the best way to be.  In the long run these little tweaks help me realise who I want to be and how I want people to see me. 

I've been asked in the past and recently too, if I'm for real?  Well, I wake up breathing every morning so I think so...cut me, I bleed... hurt me I feel pain...I think that's a good indication I'm real.  I know that's not necessarily the meaning of the question but it's a really hard question to answer.  Am I too good to be true? No, not at all, I'm just unique.  We are a rare breed, those of us who see the best in everyone, even those who are perceived as undeserving.  Or, at least we try. ;) 

I believe from the bottom of my heart we are all capable of being the best version of our selves and if it means making changes to who we are and how we view, well pretty much anything we can be "too good to be true" because the truth is most people aren't.  BUT, it has to come from within.  We cannot force someone to change to fit our ideal, we can only change our perceived ideal.  Only WE can change ourselves!  We can't change others that's impossible.  We can set an example to be followed but it always comes down to personal choice.  We can't judge others for their choice to change or not, that's not our right or any of our business. 

If I make adjustments to the way I see things or how I interact with others it's because I chose to, not because I was forced to.  It's because I feel deeply it's the best for not only me but anyone else involved.  Sometimes these changes occur instantaneously sometimes they take time, either way when change is necessary for me, change happens.  I'm highly adaptable that way.

With all this being said...clarified...cleared up...if a soft touch is what's required, that's what I'll do. No problem! I just hope it doesn't take me so long to realise it next time.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

 

When Evil Walks Among Us...Would You Recognize It?

Evil is very crafty, it knows how to hide and hide well it does.  But not for long, because Evil loves itself more than anything or anyone and Evil LOVES an audience.  Don't be fooled, Evil looks normal.  Evil passes itself off as a good-doer but it's selfish and only does good for itself.

Evil will tell you they care, they only want what's best for you, all the while with their evil grin stretched across their ugly face.  Oh, Evil may appear pretty at first, but look closer, Evil isn't what you think, Evil is ugly. 

Evil prances around without a care in the world, why should it care? Evil does what it wants to whomever it wants and thinks you should thank them for it.  Evil is destructive, Evil does not understand mercy or compassion, Evil only knows manipulation, deceit and hatred.  Evil is not kind, caring or selfless. 

Evil walks among us and plays the part of a good soul, but Evil has no soul.  Evil will tell you they do but don't believe them, they lie.  Evil only wants you to think this, to gain your trust. Then before you know it Evil reveals themselves and you see just how vile they really are.  Pray it's not too late.

I've witnessed Evil.  Evil presents itself as a gentle being, but Evil is not gentle, Evil is harsh and cruel, strange and demented.  Evil needs to be put in their place.  Told to behave, made to behave.  Evil won't listen though, Evil thinks it's right. 

One day, not so long from now, Evil will be judged.  Evil is not going to like this.  Evil is going to be sent where it belongs, and believe me, "Hell" is far too good for Evil.  Evil will receive one hundred fold all the evil doings it has levied on others and I will smile.  I will know that Evil is receiving all they deserve that Evil will not prevail that the truly good and compassionate will endure! 

You may ask, if the good and compassionate do not show kindness and compassion to Evil, does that not make them Evils equal?  No, Evil is not deserving of kindness, compassion or understanding, Evil would only use this in their favour to continue to hurt those who offer.  Evil must be stopped.  Evil must be ignored.  Evil is not worthy.  Evil never will be.

So to those of you reading this, if you know Evil, tell them this for me.  You will be stopped.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will and though we could wish it for you, you won't be sorry.  You'll be confused, because in your true evil fashion you will think you've done nothing wrong.

That's, how I see it,
Tammy.

Anticipation And The Madness That Follows.

I always thought of myself as a patient person, in fact it's a point of pride.  Lately though my patience are wearing thin.  There are a number if pots on my burners and nothing seems to be cooking.

When do I give up?  When do I realize, this is it?  This is what I've got and nothing more is coming.  But I don't want to give up, I want what I want and I want it NOW!  Said with a foot stomp!  Problem is, no one is listening to my temper tantrum and time passes ever so slowly frustrating the hell out of me.

My whole body aches from the fight to move forward.  I feel like I'm pushing a bus full of elephants up a hill in San Francisco! I hear they have a few impressive hills.  With every inch forward I slide a foot back.  Hoping beyond hope the bus doesn't just flatten me altogether.  Am I done?  Should I give up?

Not in my nature, but as time wears on it's feeling more and more like I need to make it a natural response.  I'm stubborn, maybe too used to getting what I want.  I've never been denied before and what's looming on the horizon is denial.  Should I pack it in?  Drop the gloves? Give up? Walk away?

Patience is a virtue, so they say.  But patience is a frustrating bitch too!  She doesn't play fair and likes to throw you a curve ball or two or three.  Everyday patience and I battle and every day she wins.  Is this a good thing?  No, I'm tired of waiting.  I've put my demands on the table and I want them met!  I'm not willing to compromise on them and letting them go really isn't an option.  I might not have a choice in the matter but that's not going to be my choice.

That's, how I see it,
Tammy.

Definition of HYPOCRITE.

hyp·o·crite noun \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\

 

1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

I flatly refuse to be a hypocrite.  YET it was expected of me.  I'm sorry, I've played that game before and I got burned.  I'm not going to do it again.

That being said my course of action, in an effort to "keep the peace" as it were, is to keep my mouth shut, all the while my brain is screaming at me to speak up!  I didn't, I firmly believe if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

Luckily I was able to hold it together long enough to endure hypocrisy all around me.  All to placate one person, one person who is permitted to hold all the power.  All in a situation that they should never have set foot in.  They imposed themselves in a time of deep grief and sorrow and they played as though they too were grieving and sorrowful.  My insides were in knots the whole time knowing this was just a show.

The atrocities abounded by this individual would make your toes curl and put a bad taste in your mouth, yet, you are NOT permitted to let them know how you feel about their actions and behaviour.  You are humbly requested to play their game for fear of retribution.  All the while knowing what an epic hypocrite you are forced deal with,  I was rubbed raw.

There is a certain energy that follows this hypocrite.  Negative, heavy, judgmental energy.  You could cut the tension with a knife and all because they really were not welcome and yet there they were.  How is it possible that someone can be so oblivious?  Because they honestly believe they are well within their rights to participate. In their presence we are all forced into hypocrisy, well, not me because I refuse.  It is beyond comprehension why they felt they had any place in this situation, they did not, not by a long shot.  Playing their game, holding all the cards and forcing all around to tip toe on eggshells, faking smiles and hugs, words of comfort.  All a sick and twisted play for the benefit of a sick and twisted mind.

I'm tired.  I'm tired and fed up and sickened to think this will never end.  I'm saddened too because there will be no end.  This is what I've been reduced to at the hands of another who portrays themselves as one thing yet conducts themselves as another.  I have witnessed the vile disgusting things this person is capable of and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of biting my tongue near off so not to upset the apple cart.  I'm tired of bowing to this hypocrite because it's requested of me by those who fear this person.  And the fear is genuine, the fear is all encompassing, the fear is paralysing and the fear needs to stop.

I'm not afraid of this person, I'm afraid of the repercussions if this person is not worshiped as they demand.  I'm afraid that my actions will lead to far more severe and damaging reactions.  This person is a firm believer in tit-for-tat and will stop at nothing to make sure their tat is far worse than your tit.

I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and this person will have completely destroyed my life because I was asked to let them.  I'm afraid that if I say anything I will in effect destroy my own life in doing so.  The anger, frustration and disgust I feel makes me angry, frustrated and disgusted with myself.  And although I know I should let this go and not let it affect me so, to be the better person, after spending far too long in the presence of this person I find myself wallowing in hatred drowning in a sea of contempt with no life preserver in sight.  I still feel the hot lump in my throat as I type this.  As I try in vain to release this.

Why should I keep my mouth shut?  Why should I let this happen?  Why did I let this happen?  Because people who mean far more to me asked this of me.  And I complied.  Against every fibre of my being I complied.  Thankfully once the darkness left the energy lifted and the hypocrisy ended and I was able to breathe.  I was assured that I was not alone in my opinion but this only further indicated how alone I was in my refusal to be a hypocrite.  I questioned my own integrity.  How was it that I was incapable of playing the game yet so many around me with similar opinions were?  Was I wrong?  Were they?

The worse part in all of this is the knowing that some of the game was played for my benefit.  To show me that the claws were still deeply embedded and that I in fact will never be elevated to the status I rightfully deserve because they will always position themselves higher.  Not rightfully so but higher regardless.

I know this sounds somewhat like a pity party, and I've given a lot of thought on exactly how I would write this in an attempt to not sound like I'm looking for any sort of accolades on my ability to not cave as so many others did.  I just really want this to stop so I don't have to be in this position again.  The only way I can do that is to remove myself from this position and that would hurt more than help.

So I'm stuck, until such time that either hell freezes over or one of us concedes. 

Bleak? Damn strait.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

*sigh* It's Been A While

I've been busy.  Helping a friend with renovations, working on my own house.  And so there has been very little time to blog.  That and I've just not felt a need to.

Today however I've been thinking.  I know, I know, scary isn't it?  Well, too bad for all of you reading this, my thoughts are spilling out onto my keyboard.  :)

There has been so much going on that sometimes I forget to take time for me.  Yesterday was proof I need to slow down and relax once in a while.  You see, yesterday I left work at noon with a killer headache which turned out was a migraine.  Ya, two Advil, two Tylenol and a two hour nap and well, I could function.

While I was resting I was running my lists.  You know the ones, where you mentally review everything you have to do, all your wish list items too.  Ya, I'm crazy, migraine and all I can't shut off.

One thing on my list was to get back to blogging.  It's a form of therapy for me and considering the chaos my life is right now Lord knows I need it.  With the kids back in school, both in high school and my son back in Cadets the routine is back on.  It's as much a struggle for me to get back into the swing of things as it is for them.  No more sleeping in until 7:20am for me, it's UP! at 6:00am and if I dare sleep past that time I'm screwed! 

The nice thing I'm finding this year is that my son is loving high school! I admit I was a bit concerned this would be tough for him but he seems to be adjusting well.  He has one class with his best friend and they go to movie club at lunch together so it's not like he's totally on his own, he's not.  He's even enjoying his classes, well most of them.  Food and Nutrition is boring at the moment but that's because they haven't started cooking.  That should change next week.

My daughter even commented this year seems better.  Probably because this year she's knows what to expect from her IB classes.  She's a little more relaxed about it.  One year older I guess.  She's working too, she landed a job at the end of school and has worked all summer mostly Saturday's some Sunday's and the odd Monday at Booster Juice in the mall.  She's so happy to have her own money.  She'll be able to keep this job all through school too as she does only work weekends.  The owner seems to keep his staff for a long time.

As for me, well, no rest for the wicked I guess!  I did manage to take some time this summer but just a day or two here and there.  My little dog had puppies in May so the summer was busy with them right up until they were all sold.  Ok, there was only four and they sold quickly once I lowered the price.  I've heard from two of the new owners and they are loving their new fur babies so yeah!  They even send me pictures. 

I've got some interest brewing for the next litter so that should be a little less stressful when the time comes, sometime next year I assume.  Phoebe is an awesome mom, and she bounces right back after a few weeks of giving birth so I think maybe a few more litters then I'll retire her. 

So that's my update for now, I'm hoping to get to this a little more often but don't hold your breath more often at this point could mean weeks! 

That's, how I see it,
Tammy.

Empty Threats And Scare Tactics

I find it utterly fascinating how when one doesn't get "their way" they feel that using threats and scare tactics as a means to and end is even remotely acceptable behaviour.

Is our society so uncivilized that we now just accept this?  I believe firmly that if there is something I want from someone and I ask and it doesn't go as planned I let it go.  I don't resort to threats and scare tactics.  Maybe it's because it's just not in my nature.  I'm just so surprised how, for so many it is in their nature.  I wonder why.

As per usual with my blogs there was an event that sparked this train of thought.  I've been pondering it for some time now and I think I have an answer that explains away most of this phenomenon.

Entitlement.

We live in a time of extreme entitlement.  Instant gratification is the norm for most everything we desire so why not for unrealistic expectations too?  We have become a society of spoiled brats who throw temper tantrums if we don't get our way.

Ok, maybe not all of us, but a good portion you can be sure.  I think typically these entitled individuals are narcissistic in nature.  They don't like to hear NO and they are hyper focused only on their needs regardless of the impact on others.  It is of no consequence to them that you might be deeply hurt by their actions, that's not their problem.  Very self absorbed.  Yet they will protest that they are the most caring giving people on the planet. 

Unfortunately I know far too many of these particular individuals.  Directly and indirectly and they all have the same modus operandi  and usually do get what they are after.  Why?  Because they are frigging exhausting to deal with.  They are nasty one minute then nice as pie the next.  They are extremely unpredictable and volatile and if the situation isn't resolved to their satisfaction they find another angel.  They are hell bent on having it their way and any normal human will only take so much before throwing in the towel and giving in.  It's just easier than continuing this seemingly endless game.  And really that's all it is, a game. 

The million dollar question is this...how do you win?  You don't.  You can't, they can't allow it, they can't loose.  Even if they do, it will be all your fault and they will let you know it.  You're the one who has ruined their lives.  You're the one who is unreasonable, even if their request was so off in left field, to them it wasn't by the way, it's all your fault.  Oh, and they are masters at playing the victim, and making sure the world knows it.  They revel in the attention they garner from not getting their way.  "Oh, poor you.  You didn't get what you wanted?  Awe, I feel so bad for you, hear let me give you _________" (insert exorbitant gift here).  So even though they didn't get exactly what they wanted and this very moment they got something else they love...attention.  Oh, and don't think it's over, what ever it was they wanted from you is still forefront in their minds.  Eventually they will get whatever it was they were after in the first place.

There is no escaping these people and if you are so unfortunate to have to deal with a situation involving such an individual your best course of action is as little interaction as possible.  The less you say the less you agree to the more the power shifts in your favour.  If you choose to give in because it's easier then you are aiding and abetting the behaviour and expect it to continue in an ever escalating fashion.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.