This morning there was a story on the news about a woman in the US who sent in a video to Dr. Phil for a segment called "Mommy Confessions". In the video shot by the woman's 10 year old daughter you see the mom forcing one of her adopted seven year old twin boys to drink hot sauce and then forcing him to take a cold shower as punishment for lying. WTF! The kid even admitted to lying so he wouldn't get "hot sauce". SHE enabled the lying because of the severity of the punishment. He was trying to protect himself from her. WHY do people not get this? Well, some do but not all.
She admitted he was the cause of her greatest stress and when she forces the cold shower she's at the end of her rope. Really? Maybe you should re-think your decision to adopt special needs children if you are not capable of properly raising them. This is a disgusting display of abuse and it makes me furious to think these kids live with this monster. Does she think they are going to grow up thinking "gee wasn't our mom the best?" She'll be lucky if one of them doesn't snap and kill her in her sleep.
What gets me is why are the children not taken away from her until she's proven that she won't do this again? I know the fear a child feels living in an abusive environment. The anxiety is immense and the child lives in a constant state of fear of upsetting the abuser. Never knowing what will set them off. I know this first hand and for a child to have to experience this could alter their personality beyond recognition.
Disciplining a child is tricky business. On one hand you want to be sure they understand what they did was wrong and there are consequences to their actions, on the other hand you don't want the experience of being disciplined to scar them for life. Where do you draw the line? As a parent believe me it's a fine line and I know it can be really challenging maintain balance but it's what you have to do in order to raise physically, emotionally and mentally healthy kids. It's not negotiable.
In my humble opinion, any form of physical contact that harms a child, whether it be forcing them to drink hot sauce, or take a cold shower, or a smack upside the head is and always will be abuse. An open hand spanking on the bottom through clothes for younger children is not and according to Canadian law within a parents right as a means of discipline. I've spanked my kids, you bet. My son got a spanking when he was six for throwing rocks (at the urging of an older child) at moving vehicles. You know what? He never did that again.
As kids get older it's a little difficult to put them over your knee. So you have to get creative. First and foremost you have to lay down the rules and the consequences for breaking them and you can't arbitrarily change them to suite your whims. They also have to be realistic. Keeping in mind that the idea of a punishment is for the child to learn a lesson. You have to expect a certain amount of mistakes and to be forgiving. Kids are not guided by the same internal voice we are. They are far more in the moment not always foreseeing the consequence to their actions. Their judgment is lacking to say the least. That's no reason to freak out on them, and yup that's how they see it and now you've dropped a peg or two on the old respect ladder.
Some kids are risk takers some are not. The risk takers generally get themselves into hot water allot faster than their counterparts and allot more often. Do you beat the living snot out of them and say, why can't you be more like so in so (who doesn't take risks)? No, you calmly discuss what happened and why, and you figure out together the best form of punishment to ensure it doesn't happen again. Now keep in mind this is only successful with children who are for all intents and purposes "normal".
When you are dealing with a special needs child the playing field changes dramatically. They do not think logically, well not in our definition. They do not process the way a "normal" child does and they do not always see a connection between an action and a consequence. Yes in some cases the punishment has to be more severe for the lesson to be learned but it doesn't have to be abusive. My son for example doesn't process the way his sister does. He just goes ahead and does whatever pops into his head without thought of results of his actions. He gets himself into trouble usually without even realising it until it's way too late and then panics trying to "fix" things which in itself is stress inducing never mind the reaction from the adults in his life.
Kids usually lie to protect themselves, they don't do it to try to maliciously hurt their parents, they do it to protect themselves from being hurt by their parents. This is a symptom of abuse. When a child lies to get away with something they know is wrong that's different and a punishment should be levied. If a child lies to protect themselves from the punishment then the punishment should be reviewed. It's really that simple. IF you are hurting your child to the point that their protective instincts kick in then who is the one in the wrong here? You are hurting your child physically and mentally. You are no longer teaching but abusing.
Here's a little exercise that might help you understand what I'm saying. When you are calm, think back to the last few times you had to discipline your child or children. Think about how you felt disciplining them. Now here's the hard part. Put yourself in their position of receiving your discipline. Magnify it by the size difference as best you can, try to imagine what they are thinking and feeling while receiving their punishment, be it a smack or being yelled at and berated. Did you make them cry? Feel that emotion too, now ask yourself how you feel about the person punishing you now. Do you feel immense love? or is it fear or hatred or all out rage? I think you'd be surprised at what you discover. Now for every time you discipline your child ask yourself, what would you consider acceptable punishment for yourself for the same offense? AND how would you feel about the person punishing you? It's not an easy mirror to look in at all.
Abusers feel their actions are justified. If you feel remorseful for hurting your child congratulations, there is hope for you and you are on the right track. That doesn't excuse you however it just tells you that if you levied a punishment harsh enough that it causes you remorse than maybe just maybe it was a little too harsh for the offence. Like I said before, it's a fine line. Assess your methods and then re-assess them. Fine tune them, when you are NOT angry. When an incident arises that requires discipline, give yourself a timeout first. Make sure your child is safe, make it clear that you are not done with them and deal with the situation after you have had time to properly process and determine the severity and a means to a positive outcome and lesson taught.
This is what I do, and this is ALWAYS seen as inaction on my part. I do not freak out, I assess and determine the best way to deal with the situation in order to achieve the results I feel are best for the child and myself and OUR mother/child relationship. Believe me, I have lectured my kids to no end when it's just me and my kids. It's not done in front of anyone where the child may feel humiliated, that's not what I'm after. I'm after an understanding of the infraction and an acceptance of the consequence without causing harm either mentally, emotionally or physically.
Easier said than done? Absolutely! But well worth the effort in the long run. This doesn't mean inaction is the way to go, it just means you cannot just react. Careful consideration needs to be given every situation and fair acceptable consequences adhered to. Don't change your mind mid stream, this only adds an element of confusion and could aggravate the situation. Be calm assertive, as Cesar Milan would say and you will find your child to be calm submissive. Really it works on kids too! Be warned though, with older kids DO NOT be condescending, it's very insulting and you will not get the results you are looking for.
Most kids and teenagers are not complete idiots they do not like to be talked down to and you will only cause further aggravation if respect isn't given as equally as it is expected. Talk to them not at them and involve them in the conversation DO NOT lecture, one thing I've discovered is they shut down and you may as well talk to the wall for the effect it's going to have. Admittedly I am guilty of lecturing and I know damn well it was in one ear out the other but it made me feel better even though I didn't achieve the results I was looking for. So lesson for mom? Check, don't lecture...discuss which means ask questions and LISTEN to the answers.
That's, how I see it. Any questions?
Tammy.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
HST vs. PST
So today marks a first in apparently world history where by we were given a vote and a chance to affect change. We did it and then some.
What concerns me about this whole fiasco is what happens next? Did any one stop to think about that when casting their ya or nay? Did any one consider that their vote may open up a whole new can of worms?
HST was in effect forced upon us. We weren't given the opportunity to throw in our two cents. One year later and several millions in expenses we were given the chance to let the government know exactly how we felt about this imposition. A simple yes or no. All for a mere 30 million? Sounds like a deal to me. What we are not prepared for, now that the votes are counted, is the astronomical cost we, that's right folks, we, as the "tax payers" will have to come up with to correct this debacle. Are you prepared for that? Did you consider that when you voted? I certainly did and I'm really worried that we are now royally screwed.
We had a choice, keep the HST, eventually paying only 10% tax or extinguish it and revert back to PST and GST collected separately. Does this mean we revert back to a 7% PST or will the Provincial government claim undue hardship and increase the PST to 8% or 9% maybe even 10% in order to pay back the Federal Government? Who do you think will be footing the bill for that one people? Certainly not the Provincial Government directly, you and me, that's who.
So to all of you who voted as a means to "get back" at the unjust way the government levied the tax you only have your self to blame if our taxes are increased because of this vote. And really, was it really costing you more? I had hardly noticed once I adjusted to it and as for those "big ticket" items like cars and houses, well if you can afford to buy a house or a car every couple of months they hey, you can afford the HST.
No matter how you slice and dice it, we the tax payers will always be that, the tax payers. Whether it be 12% HST or %5 GST and Lord only knows what we'll pay for PST now it will be us paying for it not the Liberals or the NDP, not even the Green Party or BC Conservatives, it will be ALL of us paying. Lets just hope Harper is feeling charitable and writes off the 1.6 billion BC now owes the Federal Government.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
What concerns me about this whole fiasco is what happens next? Did any one stop to think about that when casting their ya or nay? Did any one consider that their vote may open up a whole new can of worms?
HST was in effect forced upon us. We weren't given the opportunity to throw in our two cents. One year later and several millions in expenses we were given the chance to let the government know exactly how we felt about this imposition. A simple yes or no. All for a mere 30 million? Sounds like a deal to me. What we are not prepared for, now that the votes are counted, is the astronomical cost we, that's right folks, we, as the "tax payers" will have to come up with to correct this debacle. Are you prepared for that? Did you consider that when you voted? I certainly did and I'm really worried that we are now royally screwed.
We had a choice, keep the HST, eventually paying only 10% tax or extinguish it and revert back to PST and GST collected separately. Does this mean we revert back to a 7% PST or will the Provincial government claim undue hardship and increase the PST to 8% or 9% maybe even 10% in order to pay back the Federal Government? Who do you think will be footing the bill for that one people? Certainly not the Provincial Government directly, you and me, that's who.
So to all of you who voted as a means to "get back" at the unjust way the government levied the tax you only have your self to blame if our taxes are increased because of this vote. And really, was it really costing you more? I had hardly noticed once I adjusted to it and as for those "big ticket" items like cars and houses, well if you can afford to buy a house or a car every couple of months they hey, you can afford the HST.
No matter how you slice and dice it, we the tax payers will always be that, the tax payers. Whether it be 12% HST or %5 GST and Lord only knows what we'll pay for PST now it will be us paying for it not the Liberals or the NDP, not even the Green Party or BC Conservatives, it will be ALL of us paying. Lets just hope Harper is feeling charitable and writes off the 1.6 billion BC now owes the Federal Government.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Good News, Bad News
First the good news, my son is not autistic. The bad news? We are back at square one trying to figure out what's up with him.
OK, we know he's ADHD. We know he has a learning disability which is slowly being out learned. What we don't know is why my almost 13 yr old thinks that he can dress up like Predator and save people? His grasp of reality is tenuous at best. Maybe it's just immaturity and he'll out grow it, I hope.
What if it's not? What if he ends up trying to save someone dressed up in a strange costume and gets his butt thrown in jail or worse gets himself killed? How is that normal? He's not your typical kid, he's got these strange ideas, he thinks he dreams about future events, his imagination is very vivid and maybe that's a good thing if we can figure out how to redirect it so it's not so out there.
Maybe what I really should do is embrace his differences and just hope for the best possible out come for him. I'm really at a loss here and am terrified for him as he enters high school. He's in grade eight this year and luckily it's still middle school so he won't stand out too much. But next year? What about next year?
Maybe his problem is really not that big a deal, maybe he's different with his peers. He tells me he only tells me about his wish to be a super hero. Maybe this is the start of a desire for a career in one of those fields, like a fireman or paramedic. Maybe that's where it all starts. I sure hope so because I'm horrified to imagine my twenty something son wandering the streets dressed in a Predator costume trying to save the world. That's just not normal.
Then again, in this day and age, what is?
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
OK, we know he's ADHD. We know he has a learning disability which is slowly being out learned. What we don't know is why my almost 13 yr old thinks that he can dress up like Predator and save people? His grasp of reality is tenuous at best. Maybe it's just immaturity and he'll out grow it, I hope.
What if it's not? What if he ends up trying to save someone dressed up in a strange costume and gets his butt thrown in jail or worse gets himself killed? How is that normal? He's not your typical kid, he's got these strange ideas, he thinks he dreams about future events, his imagination is very vivid and maybe that's a good thing if we can figure out how to redirect it so it's not so out there.
Maybe what I really should do is embrace his differences and just hope for the best possible out come for him. I'm really at a loss here and am terrified for him as he enters high school. He's in grade eight this year and luckily it's still middle school so he won't stand out too much. But next year? What about next year?
Maybe his problem is really not that big a deal, maybe he's different with his peers. He tells me he only tells me about his wish to be a super hero. Maybe this is the start of a desire for a career in one of those fields, like a fireman or paramedic. Maybe that's where it all starts. I sure hope so because I'm horrified to imagine my twenty something son wandering the streets dressed in a Predator costume trying to save the world. That's just not normal.
Then again, in this day and age, what is?
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Your Reality
What you strongly believe in becomes your reality.
I buy this. If I feel strongly enough about something if I believe whole heartedly then yes my reality is changed to accommodate this belief.
This holds true for every aspect on ones life. In relationships with others, in your job, with your health and well being and with your finances. The mind is a very powerful tool, use it carefully.
I believe in the power of positive thought, I also believe that negative thoughts bring negative results tenfold. I believe that you can change your perspective and turn around all the negative events you feel overwhelmed with just the power of your thoughts.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who like me believes in the power of the mind. We both agree what we perceive is just that, we cannot force someone to see what we see or perceive what we perceive if they have their own perception of a situation or belief.
There is no sense trying to convince someone they are wrong when they believe they are right. If they are willing to be open minded and perhaps try to see things from your point of view you may be able to get them to concede. However if you are dealing with someone so strong in their convictions you are wasting valuable energy on them and may as well go talk to the wall for as far as you're going to get with them.
My reality is mine, yours is yours, there may be similarities, there will be differences it's how they fit together that will dictate the level of the relationship we may have. Some people fit together almost seamlessly, others have holes and patches all over the place, yet both are equally capable of falling apart. One little glitch in the system and bam! You're done.
Do you have to be done? Can you not adjust your reality and perception to fit better with someone else? I suppose but does it take away from who you are? Are you compromising your integrity to please someone else, maybe someone who would never change their reality for you? Where do you draw the line? When does this become a problem? How do you fix it and is it fixable?
All that is up to you, how you feel about the situation, the individuals involved and the final outcome you would like. What is your perception of the situation? What are you willing to do to initiate dialogue? Communication is the first step. If there is a break down in communication how are you going to address the problems you perceive?
Well, you start talking. Doesn't matter what the other person thinks, because the truth is you really don't know what the other person thinks do you? Just say what is on your mind and let the chips fall where they may. Write cue cards if you have to, or write yourself a letter and read it over a couple of times. Your heart and head know what you want to say, you just have to convince your mouth to give your thoughts a voice.
Not an easy task, fear and uncertainty are battling it out in your mind. Telling you not to say anything just keep quiet and keep the peace. At what cost? Your sanity? Your health? When is the price too high? When do you say "enough" and stop listening to fear and uncertainty and just start talking? That's up to you. There will be a shift and you will find strength and conviction to address the issues nagging at you, causing you to lose sleep at night.
Know this, there is no battle big enough in you mind that your mind cannot win. It's all in the perception of the battle, it's all in your head.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
I buy this. If I feel strongly enough about something if I believe whole heartedly then yes my reality is changed to accommodate this belief.
This holds true for every aspect on ones life. In relationships with others, in your job, with your health and well being and with your finances. The mind is a very powerful tool, use it carefully.
I believe in the power of positive thought, I also believe that negative thoughts bring negative results tenfold. I believe that you can change your perspective and turn around all the negative events you feel overwhelmed with just the power of your thoughts.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who like me believes in the power of the mind. We both agree what we perceive is just that, we cannot force someone to see what we see or perceive what we perceive if they have their own perception of a situation or belief.
There is no sense trying to convince someone they are wrong when they believe they are right. If they are willing to be open minded and perhaps try to see things from your point of view you may be able to get them to concede. However if you are dealing with someone so strong in their convictions you are wasting valuable energy on them and may as well go talk to the wall for as far as you're going to get with them.
My reality is mine, yours is yours, there may be similarities, there will be differences it's how they fit together that will dictate the level of the relationship we may have. Some people fit together almost seamlessly, others have holes and patches all over the place, yet both are equally capable of falling apart. One little glitch in the system and bam! You're done.
Do you have to be done? Can you not adjust your reality and perception to fit better with someone else? I suppose but does it take away from who you are? Are you compromising your integrity to please someone else, maybe someone who would never change their reality for you? Where do you draw the line? When does this become a problem? How do you fix it and is it fixable?
All that is up to you, how you feel about the situation, the individuals involved and the final outcome you would like. What is your perception of the situation? What are you willing to do to initiate dialogue? Communication is the first step. If there is a break down in communication how are you going to address the problems you perceive?
Well, you start talking. Doesn't matter what the other person thinks, because the truth is you really don't know what the other person thinks do you? Just say what is on your mind and let the chips fall where they may. Write cue cards if you have to, or write yourself a letter and read it over a couple of times. Your heart and head know what you want to say, you just have to convince your mouth to give your thoughts a voice.
Not an easy task, fear and uncertainty are battling it out in your mind. Telling you not to say anything just keep quiet and keep the peace. At what cost? Your sanity? Your health? When is the price too high? When do you say "enough" and stop listening to fear and uncertainty and just start talking? That's up to you. There will be a shift and you will find strength and conviction to address the issues nagging at you, causing you to lose sleep at night.
Know this, there is no battle big enough in you mind that your mind cannot win. It's all in the perception of the battle, it's all in your head.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Apologies
Why is it as adults we expect or rather demand apologies from our children yet feel justified in not having to return the apology?
There was a situation the other night where my 12 yr old son made a judgement error and got in trouble for it however after the dust had cleared it was determined that maybe the other party was mistaken in their approach and admitted the same.
After a lengthy discussion my son decided he should apologise. We both assumed the other person would do the same for their grossly inappropriate reaction to the situation. Well, you know what happens when you assume. There was no returned apology and my son called me on it. All I could say was we just have to let it go. Is that right? Should we? For the moment yes.
My son is learning valuable life lessons here.
First, that some people even if proven wrong have such a huge ego they are unable to admit their mistake.
Second, not everyone is as nice as they pretend to be.
Third, life is too short and time to valuable to waste on these individuals, (ok that's more a lesson for me than him).
Fourth, no matter what, only your parents really love you for who you are, both parents.
Going forward all I can suggest to him is not to expect an apology, sometimes the remorse is one sided and sometimes the other person is so blind to their own bad behaviour that it's not until it's too late that they realise the value in what they've lost. Trust is a two way street and it's to be earned not demanded, respect is the same, you can not demand respect from someone if you are not willing to give it in return.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
There was a situation the other night where my 12 yr old son made a judgement error and got in trouble for it however after the dust had cleared it was determined that maybe the other party was mistaken in their approach and admitted the same.
After a lengthy discussion my son decided he should apologise. We both assumed the other person would do the same for their grossly inappropriate reaction to the situation. Well, you know what happens when you assume. There was no returned apology and my son called me on it. All I could say was we just have to let it go. Is that right? Should we? For the moment yes.
My son is learning valuable life lessons here.
First, that some people even if proven wrong have such a huge ego they are unable to admit their mistake.
Second, not everyone is as nice as they pretend to be.
Third, life is too short and time to valuable to waste on these individuals, (ok that's more a lesson for me than him).
Fourth, no matter what, only your parents really love you for who you are, both parents.
Going forward all I can suggest to him is not to expect an apology, sometimes the remorse is one sided and sometimes the other person is so blind to their own bad behaviour that it's not until it's too late that they realise the value in what they've lost. Trust is a two way street and it's to be earned not demanded, respect is the same, you can not demand respect from someone if you are not willing to give it in return.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
There Are No "Do Overs"
The worst thing I can imagine is losing a child. How unbelievably heartbreaking it would be. The hurt and loss insurmountable, yet somehow we manage.
I've experienced the passing of family and friends, it's a sad occasion and at times feels like the hurt will never end but with everything time heals and the pain subsides a bit.
To loose a child however would in my opinion be a totally different ball game. As a mother, I am bound to my kids by an unbreakable thread. The umbilical cord while cut still remains in spirit. To loose a child does not sever the tie but transforms it to a constant source of pain and longing. This I can imagine, just thinking about it causes phantom pain and it's unbearable.
The one thing this life teaches is there are no "do overs" where life is concerned. Death is irreversible, ok there are cases of course where people have died and are revived, but real death, the kind you don't come back from is permanent. There are many times when I wish it were reversible or we are given the chance at a do over but that just doesn't happen.
Make the most of the time we have here and now, and give your kids a huge hug and tell them you love them unconditionally and when you are angry or frustrated with them let them know it's their behaviour you are angry with not them. That no matter what they have to know that you will not throw them to the wolves just because you are unimpressed with their behaviour. Just remember that little bundle of joy that was physically attached to you even if now only metaphorically attached.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
I've experienced the passing of family and friends, it's a sad occasion and at times feels like the hurt will never end but with everything time heals and the pain subsides a bit.
To loose a child however would in my opinion be a totally different ball game. As a mother, I am bound to my kids by an unbreakable thread. The umbilical cord while cut still remains in spirit. To loose a child does not sever the tie but transforms it to a constant source of pain and longing. This I can imagine, just thinking about it causes phantom pain and it's unbearable.
The one thing this life teaches is there are no "do overs" where life is concerned. Death is irreversible, ok there are cases of course where people have died and are revived, but real death, the kind you don't come back from is permanent. There are many times when I wish it were reversible or we are given the chance at a do over but that just doesn't happen.
Make the most of the time we have here and now, and give your kids a huge hug and tell them you love them unconditionally and when you are angry or frustrated with them let them know it's their behaviour you are angry with not them. That no matter what they have to know that you will not throw them to the wolves just because you are unimpressed with their behaviour. Just remember that little bundle of joy that was physically attached to you even if now only metaphorically attached.
That's, how I see it.
Tammy.
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