Definition of HYPOCRITE.

hyp·o·crite noun \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\

 

1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

I flatly refuse to be a hypocrite.  YET it was expected of me.  I'm sorry, I've played that game before and I got burned.  I'm not going to do it again.

That being said my course of action, in an effort to "keep the peace" as it were, is to keep my mouth shut, all the while my brain is screaming at me to speak up!  I didn't, I firmly believe if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

Luckily I was able to hold it together long enough to endure hypocrisy all around me.  All to placate one person, one person who is permitted to hold all the power.  All in a situation that they should never have set foot in.  They imposed themselves in a time of deep grief and sorrow and they played as though they too were grieving and sorrowful.  My insides were in knots the whole time knowing this was just a show.

The atrocities abounded by this individual would make your toes curl and put a bad taste in your mouth, yet, you are NOT permitted to let them know how you feel about their actions and behaviour.  You are humbly requested to play their game for fear of retribution.  All the while knowing what an epic hypocrite you are forced deal with,  I was rubbed raw.

There is a certain energy that follows this hypocrite.  Negative, heavy, judgmental energy.  You could cut the tension with a knife and all because they really were not welcome and yet there they were.  How is it possible that someone can be so oblivious?  Because they honestly believe they are well within their rights to participate. In their presence we are all forced into hypocrisy, well, not me because I refuse.  It is beyond comprehension why they felt they had any place in this situation, they did not, not by a long shot.  Playing their game, holding all the cards and forcing all around to tip toe on eggshells, faking smiles and hugs, words of comfort.  All a sick and twisted play for the benefit of a sick and twisted mind.

I'm tired.  I'm tired and fed up and sickened to think this will never end.  I'm saddened too because there will be no end.  This is what I've been reduced to at the hands of another who portrays themselves as one thing yet conducts themselves as another.  I have witnessed the vile disgusting things this person is capable of and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of biting my tongue near off so not to upset the apple cart.  I'm tired of bowing to this hypocrite because it's requested of me by those who fear this person.  And the fear is genuine, the fear is all encompassing, the fear is paralysing and the fear needs to stop.

I'm not afraid of this person, I'm afraid of the repercussions if this person is not worshiped as they demand.  I'm afraid that my actions will lead to far more severe and damaging reactions.  This person is a firm believer in tit-for-tat and will stop at nothing to make sure their tat is far worse than your tit.

I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and this person will have completely destroyed my life because I was asked to let them.  I'm afraid that if I say anything I will in effect destroy my own life in doing so.  The anger, frustration and disgust I feel makes me angry, frustrated and disgusted with myself.  And although I know I should let this go and not let it affect me so, to be the better person, after spending far too long in the presence of this person I find myself wallowing in hatred drowning in a sea of contempt with no life preserver in sight.  I still feel the hot lump in my throat as I type this.  As I try in vain to release this.

Why should I keep my mouth shut?  Why should I let this happen?  Why did I let this happen?  Because people who mean far more to me asked this of me.  And I complied.  Against every fibre of my being I complied.  Thankfully once the darkness left the energy lifted and the hypocrisy ended and I was able to breathe.  I was assured that I was not alone in my opinion but this only further indicated how alone I was in my refusal to be a hypocrite.  I questioned my own integrity.  How was it that I was incapable of playing the game yet so many around me with similar opinions were?  Was I wrong?  Were they?

The worse part in all of this is the knowing that some of the game was played for my benefit.  To show me that the claws were still deeply embedded and that I in fact will never be elevated to the status I rightfully deserve because they will always position themselves higher.  Not rightfully so but higher regardless.

I know this sounds somewhat like a pity party, and I've given a lot of thought on exactly how I would write this in an attempt to not sound like I'm looking for any sort of accolades on my ability to not cave as so many others did.  I just really want this to stop so I don't have to be in this position again.  The only way I can do that is to remove myself from this position and that would hurt more than help.

So I'm stuck, until such time that either hell freezes over or one of us concedes. 

Bleak? Damn strait.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

*sigh* It's Been A While

I've been busy.  Helping a friend with renovations, working on my own house.  And so there has been very little time to blog.  That and I've just not felt a need to.

Today however I've been thinking.  I know, I know, scary isn't it?  Well, too bad for all of you reading this, my thoughts are spilling out onto my keyboard.  :)

There has been so much going on that sometimes I forget to take time for me.  Yesterday was proof I need to slow down and relax once in a while.  You see, yesterday I left work at noon with a killer headache which turned out was a migraine.  Ya, two Advil, two Tylenol and a two hour nap and well, I could function.

While I was resting I was running my lists.  You know the ones, where you mentally review everything you have to do, all your wish list items too.  Ya, I'm crazy, migraine and all I can't shut off.

One thing on my list was to get back to blogging.  It's a form of therapy for me and considering the chaos my life is right now Lord knows I need it.  With the kids back in school, both in high school and my son back in Cadets the routine is back on.  It's as much a struggle for me to get back into the swing of things as it is for them.  No more sleeping in until 7:20am for me, it's UP! at 6:00am and if I dare sleep past that time I'm screwed! 

The nice thing I'm finding this year is that my son is loving high school! I admit I was a bit concerned this would be tough for him but he seems to be adjusting well.  He has one class with his best friend and they go to movie club at lunch together so it's not like he's totally on his own, he's not.  He's even enjoying his classes, well most of them.  Food and Nutrition is boring at the moment but that's because they haven't started cooking.  That should change next week.

My daughter even commented this year seems better.  Probably because this year she's knows what to expect from her IB classes.  She's a little more relaxed about it.  One year older I guess.  She's working too, she landed a job at the end of school and has worked all summer mostly Saturday's some Sunday's and the odd Monday at Booster Juice in the mall.  She's so happy to have her own money.  She'll be able to keep this job all through school too as she does only work weekends.  The owner seems to keep his staff for a long time.

As for me, well, no rest for the wicked I guess!  I did manage to take some time this summer but just a day or two here and there.  My little dog had puppies in May so the summer was busy with them right up until they were all sold.  Ok, there was only four and they sold quickly once I lowered the price.  I've heard from two of the new owners and they are loving their new fur babies so yeah!  They even send me pictures. 

I've got some interest brewing for the next litter so that should be a little less stressful when the time comes, sometime next year I assume.  Phoebe is an awesome mom, and she bounces right back after a few weeks of giving birth so I think maybe a few more litters then I'll retire her. 

So that's my update for now, I'm hoping to get to this a little more often but don't hold your breath more often at this point could mean weeks! 

That's, how I see it,
Tammy.

Empty Threats And Scare Tactics

I find it utterly fascinating how when one doesn't get "their way" they feel that using threats and scare tactics as a means to and end is even remotely acceptable behaviour.

Is our society so uncivilized that we now just accept this?  I believe firmly that if there is something I want from someone and I ask and it doesn't go as planned I let it go.  I don't resort to threats and scare tactics.  Maybe it's because it's just not in my nature.  I'm just so surprised how, for so many it is in their nature.  I wonder why.

As per usual with my blogs there was an event that sparked this train of thought.  I've been pondering it for some time now and I think I have an answer that explains away most of this phenomenon.

Entitlement.

We live in a time of extreme entitlement.  Instant gratification is the norm for most everything we desire so why not for unrealistic expectations too?  We have become a society of spoiled brats who throw temper tantrums if we don't get our way.

Ok, maybe not all of us, but a good portion you can be sure.  I think typically these entitled individuals are narcissistic in nature.  They don't like to hear NO and they are hyper focused only on their needs regardless of the impact on others.  It is of no consequence to them that you might be deeply hurt by their actions, that's not their problem.  Very self absorbed.  Yet they will protest that they are the most caring giving people on the planet. 

Unfortunately I know far too many of these particular individuals.  Directly and indirectly and they all have the same modus operandi  and usually do get what they are after.  Why?  Because they are frigging exhausting to deal with.  They are nasty one minute then nice as pie the next.  They are extremely unpredictable and volatile and if the situation isn't resolved to their satisfaction they find another angel.  They are hell bent on having it their way and any normal human will only take so much before throwing in the towel and giving in.  It's just easier than continuing this seemingly endless game.  And really that's all it is, a game. 

The million dollar question is this...how do you win?  You don't.  You can't, they can't allow it, they can't loose.  Even if they do, it will be all your fault and they will let you know it.  You're the one who has ruined their lives.  You're the one who is unreasonable, even if their request was so off in left field, to them it wasn't by the way, it's all your fault.  Oh, and they are masters at playing the victim, and making sure the world knows it.  They revel in the attention they garner from not getting their way.  "Oh, poor you.  You didn't get what you wanted?  Awe, I feel so bad for you, hear let me give you _________" (insert exorbitant gift here).  So even though they didn't get exactly what they wanted and this very moment they got something else they love...attention.  Oh, and don't think it's over, what ever it was they wanted from you is still forefront in their minds.  Eventually they will get whatever it was they were after in the first place.

There is no escaping these people and if you are so unfortunate to have to deal with a situation involving such an individual your best course of action is as little interaction as possible.  The less you say the less you agree to the more the power shifts in your favour.  If you choose to give in because it's easier then you are aiding and abetting the behaviour and expect it to continue in an ever escalating fashion.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

So, What If?

I have lived a life of "what ifs".  So much so that I wonder sometimes what it is I'm searching for?  What if I did this differently? How would that change things?  What if I didn't do that? Where would I be today?  Why do I question every decision I've made long after I've made it?  Because there is and always will be "What If?".

It's interesting this road of life, full of twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts or rights.  There is always a flip side.  What I feel is that no matter which direction you travel you are exactly where you're supposed to be, otherwise you would have made a different choice and be somewhere else, and that would inevitably be where you are supposed to be.

Circumstance plays a very big roll in the "what if" equation.  Sometimes we want the other direction but we can't go there because our current circumstance won't allow it.  That's ok, that's the way it's supposed to be.  You'll make the right choice because for the most part there is no "wrong" choice, just choices.  Of course I'm talking about life decisions, not whether to stick up a liquor store or go beat the crap out of homeless people.  Those are really bad choices, however they are still choices.  You can chose a path of peace or a path of destruction. But know this, where ever the path takes you there will always be little off shoots to distract and entertain.

I would have never guess that my life's series of choices would land me where I am today.  And I have no idea where I will be in a month, year or decade I can't predict that.  No one can.  Not even a psychic.  Oh, they can offer advice and guidance but it's not their path, it's yours and the choices you make will determine the direction you go.

I find my self at a cross roads of sorts.  There's lots going on in my life right now and it leaves me wondering, what if?  What if I make the wrong decision? The wrong choice?  How will I know?  It's my choice therefore is it wrong?  I don't know, no one does.  It's a wait and see kinda game. The nice thing, as long as you're not backed into a corner is the direction can always be changed.  You have that much control.  Really you do.  It doesn't matter if your married with kids or single you really can change your path and make the most wonderful or terrible decisions.  Of course the path you take will be determined by your responsibilities.

I couldn't just pack up and move to a warmer climate because this rain is really getting to me.  I have far too many extenuating circumstances to consider.  However, if I were young and single with only myself to be responsible for then it would be far easier to take that path with very little effect on those around me.  That's not the case now however so I guess I'll stay put. 

So "What if?" what if you could chose your life and have it turn out exactly how you see it?  Where's the fun in that?  Life is an adventure, full of lessons and experiences and lots and lots of what if? 

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

Bullying Continued

A situation has been brought to my attention recently and I'm sickened to think for the most part I sluffed it off.

My son has been the victim of bullying since grade one.  It's been an off and on thing and usually resolved without major incident. 

Today my son was bullied by his teacher.  It was probably a result of something my son did or refused to do but that does not justify another adult laying a hand on my child.  I emailed the principal after my son called me and let her know what was going on.  She assured me it would be addressed.  That was this morning.

By this afternoon my son was sent to the principals office by his teacher, from what I can gather, was due to his refusal to work.  My son sees things in black and white.  If you do something to hurt him he shuts down.  He feels justified because after all, you started it. 

Now, because of this incident today he's refusing to go to his dads.  I was looking forward to the break, he's high maintenance and since he's been living at my house full time I've had little rest from his demands.  Now thanks to this incident I have to deal with a thirteen year old on the verge of a break down because his emotions are scraped raw.  He's dealing with hormones and all the crap that goes with this age, now toss in a less than sympathetic teacher who makes him feel even worse about himself.

I have no idea what to do.  I'm so fed up with all the experts telling me there's nothing really "wrong" with my son, that it's just the age, yet when you hear a thirteen year old boy near tears because he's at his wits end and talking about killing himself, yet again, I know there is something very wrong with him and with a system that keeps over looking his issues.  What needs to happen?  Does he really have to attempt to kill himself for the experts to take him seriously?

It's been a trying week, he missed a day of school because he wasn't feeling well, truth is he's probably depressed and tired of being bullied by one of the individuals charged with his education.  Like he needs another adult in his life making him feel bad about himself.

I'm sure anyone reading this is probably thinking I should get him in to counseling, we've tried to get in, at the intake meeting he was in a great mood and things were going well.  Today however I would say is a really bad day and he's still ranting about what happened this morning.

I got the whole story and I can see where the teacher was dead wrong in how he dealt with my son and I can see where my son was dead wrong in his attitude.  But the events that led up to the elbow in the ribs did not warrant that response from the teacher, my son was shocked that the teacher did this to him, it hurt him physically and emotionally and he retaliated by being oppositional all day after that.  Not a wise move on my son's part but knowing my son, I'm not surprised.

Where to go from here?  I don't know.  The principal assured me she would address it, whatever that means.  I'm sure my son is going to have a rough time this last few months of school I just honestly don't know how to appease him and smooth this whole mess over so he can at least finish this year with little conflict.

FML.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

I'm A Girl...So What?

I can use power tools, I'm not shy.  I installed a laminate floor in my kitchen in, oh, about four hours.  No big deal.  So what I'm a girl, that won't stop me.

I've always taken the initiative, partly because my dad didn't have sons, partly because my ex needed a helper when we renovated.  I learned allot from both of them and what they didn't teach me I figured out on my own.  I can even change a light switch or outlet.  Plumbing?  No problem, I can do it.

Ya, I'm missing the male equipment that would have me fit the profile but big deal, all that extra stuff down there would only get in the way anyway.  I like that I can use a chop saw, I like that I know the difference between a skill saw and table saw, even though both can be manufactured by "Skil".  I like that an orbital sander doesn't make me run to the nearest male for help.  Pshaw, I can do it myself. 

Anyone in need of a handy-woman?  I bet I can fix it for ya...

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

Crazy Is As...

When I first started blogging it was as an outlet for all the "stuff" that bounces around my brain.  I'm an introvert at heart an live mostly in my head.  I'm a listener, but be sure if I have something to say I say it.  I don't talk to hear my own voice, though, I'm not that person.

One thing that occupies probably more brain time than I should really allow is, crazy people.  I know, I know...what makes me an expert on determining who's crazy and who's not?  Nothing really, except maybe while I'm not talking I'm observing, and the things I observe make me question the insanity of several people I've encountered over the years, a few really stick out.

Take for example someone who repeatedly whines and complains about how horrible their life is yet does nothing to change it?  No matter what one might suggest these individuals are actually happy in their misery, it's theirs, all theirs, they own it and no one can take it from them.  That, in my humble opinion is "crazy".  Why on earth complain about it then?  Well because they have people like me who listen.  Kind of an enabler that way I guess, contributing to their craziness.

Or how about the person who is so super nice to strangers and treats their family like crap?  What's that all about?  Shouldn't your family be your most prized possession?  Acquaintances are merely that, they come and go and once they out live their usefulness they are shoved aside for the next poor unwitting soul who comes along and shows an interest.  Baffling, plain old crazy and baffling.  That type, I know of far too many and that's a scary thing.

Then there's "Mr. nice guy".  You know the individual that constantly no matter what they do to avoid it get walked on and taken advantage of.  Why on earth would you let someone do that to you?  That's just crazy!  Always trying to do what's right and never getting the accolades they deserve because they put themselves in positions of such that they look like they are either uninterested or just flat out don't care.  When the truth is they just don't know how to react because in the past how they reacted has bit them in the ass.  They are far too cautious but at all the wrong moments and it makes for some crazy behaviour.

That leaves, the condescending know it all.  You know those people, they couldn't care less what you think nor do they care what you think of them, you are below them therefore irrelevant to their existence.  They view themselves as superior and just and whether you like it or not you will cater to their every whim, because believe me, it's just easier.  Who's the crazy one here?  Certainly not them, it's you and always will be, in their minds and they will be certain to point it out too.

Funny thing this word "crazy" we use it all the time to describe things we don't quite understand, or things we do understand but can't think of a more creative label for.  Like I said, I know my fair share of crazy people.  I also know a whole slue of "normal" people too.  When I asked one of my normal friends what their opinion of "crazy" was.  They offered some great perspective and what I gleaned from it was this.  Crazy people don't have a solid concept or perception of boundaries and social protocols, they are continually drawing and re-drawing the lines to suite their needs with little regard to anyone around them.  They have little respect for others if it conflicts with their requirements.  They assume far too much from every situation and insinuate far more than they really mean.

What this boils down to is like the line in the movie Forest Gump, and probably one of my favourites.  "Crazy is as crazy does".  And that's all there is to it.  You can't change crazy, you can't convince crazy that it is they who are crazy and not you and you can't really fix crazy.  You can label it what ever mental disorder you like but the bottom line is this.  Unless "crazy" is willing to admit it might just be crazy, then crazy is exactly that you're stuck with it.  How you deal with it is up to you, just try not to get caught up in all the "craziness".

That's, how I see it...as crazy as it may be.
Tammy.

Not To My Kids, You Don't!

As most of you know, and if you don't you will after reading this.  The BC Teachers are on a three day walk out.  Now my view of this...if I were to ask my boss for a 15% increase you know what he would say?  He would say "the only way you're getting a 15% increase is if you go find another job that pays 15% better." And that would be the end of that conversation. 

What bothers me is really not what they are asking for because we all know they aren't going to get it.  What bothers me is the teachers ranting daily to my kids and your kids of any age and any grade about how unfair the government is being and how horrible it is to be a teacher.  BOTH my kids, one in high school one in middle school, have been subjected to such daily rants from their teachers.  Both my kids are tired of hearing about it, their view of their teachers is now negative because that's what's being spewed at them DAILY the teachers negative crap.  If the point of the daily rant is to garner parental support through our children I can say from my perspective.  NOT A DAMN CHANCE!  Keep your political bull shit to yourself.  NOT TO MY KIDS! OH NO YOU DON'T!

I am far from impressed hearing about this from my kids.  They are far from impressed having to hear about it from the "professionals" they spend their day with.  The classroom is not a forum for an adult, whom these kids are expected to look up to, to air their dirty laundry.  I'm sure there are a few teachers on my friends list who will disagree and un-friend me, so be it.  If you're one of those teachers who feel it's appropriate to project your negative crap on a room full of young developing minds then go a head, un-friend away, no skin off my nose.

I for one hope this dispute is settled quickly, my kids are paying the price for adult issues and quite frankly no matter how many times "they" say it's not about the money, it's always about the money, get your heads out of your asses and get on with it.

I would love nothing more than to receive a proper report card that tells me how my kids are doing...how 'bout you? Even better I would love for my kids teachers to receive same said report card, might change their perspective a little.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

2012

Well, here we are.  2012 has arrived and the end of the world as we know it is just on the horizon.  Ok, now this is the part where I'm laughing my ass off!  Whatever! We all know my theory on this end of the world crap.  Not going to happen so please, get on with your life.

So, getting on with my life.  What I would like to see for myself in 2012. These are not resolutions but more of a list of goals I'm setting for myself.  Some will happen right away some may take some convincing. 

First goal is to follow my budget closer than I have and save money every month, even if it's just a little because a little is better than none at all.

Second goal is to work on being positive.  No matter what the situation I'm going to try to see the positive in it even if there doesn't appear to be one. I'll find it even if I have to make it up myself.

Third goal is to play outside more.  Something I do enjoy but forget about right up until I get outside again.  So once a week I'm going to spend time outside.  Not walking from the car to the mall but really outside enjoying the rain, sun, wind whatever the day brings.

Fourth goal is to put my needs first once in a while.  I'm so busy being a mom, a partner, an employee that I forget to be me.  I forget to do for me what I do for everyone else.  I need to regain who I am so when I am wearing the mom, partner or employee hat I will be better equipped to give and not feel lost because of it.

Fifth goal is to spend more time with my friends and stop making dumb ass excuses because I don't feel like being social.  We only have one life and our friends are so very important in this life time it's a crying shame to take them for granted because one day they may not be there any longer.

Sixth goal is to make sure everyone I know, knows how much I appreciate them.  I'm going to make sure I say thank you for even the little things.  I'm going to let all of you know how much I appreciate all that you bring to this existence.

Seventh goal is to breath.  Sounds odd? Well, even though it's a natural part of our existence I'm aware that there are times when I need to just step back, take a few deep breaths and relax.  There are times in our lives when we are so caught up in the moment we forget to breath.  I'm going to make it my goal to always breath.

So there you have it, my goals for 2012.  There is only seven, each one as important to me as the next.  I'm going to revisit this list in six months to see just where I'm at as far as attaining these goals.  I will hold myself accountable for any misses and I will pat myself on the back for the accomplishments.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.