Recently I reconnected with a former co-worker and friend. She has gone to hell and back thanks to her daughter and when we compared notes about certain individuals in our lives we discovered that we have walked the same walk, dealt with the same toxic individuals albeit in different skin but the underlying illness these people have is the same.
The thing is these individuals don't think there is anything wrong with them, in fact they think we are all nuts. It's funny though when you start to compare what it is they do and the persona they present to the outside world you start to think maybe they are right maybe it's me who's crazy. Then I talk to someone going through the same thing and realise no, I'm fine it's not me.
These individuals I speak of are charming and friendly, helpful and kind, to absolute strangers that is, or to people who do not or have not seen their true nature. They need to be this way because they have such low self esteem this is the only way they feel as important as they think they are.
If you were to meet one you would think they are the nicest people walking the earth. Cross them and you will be stung with venom most vile. Their true nature is far more narcissistic than you could imagine. They are self centred destructive people who really have no right to walk with the general population. We all know one or two and we always get sucked in when they want something from us, but don't bother asking for something in return because your out of luck.
The thing is, they do suck us unsuspecting souls in. They use us all the while making us think they are doing us a favour and drop us like a hot potato when they no longer need us. Leaving us wondering what we did wrong. All you did was give them an inch. There is no fixing these people they are master manipulators and because they honestly believe there is nothing wrong with the way they conduct themselves they either convince the counsellor they are fine or flatly refuse to get help to start with.
What's even scarier is when such an individual is in a position of power. What do you think would happen if such a person were say a counsellor themselves? Claiming to help yet doing it only for personal recognition. That's what they want, everyone to tell them how wonderful and important they are. They don't really care if they help you, as long as you think they're helping that's good enough. Accuse them otherwise and watch the transformation.
Part of what my friend and I realise is that these individuals only present their truest nature to those closest to them, family. We can't get rid of them and they know it. Friends have a different take, friends can dump them if they act in their true nature and well, maybe one day they may need that friend for something. Family, we're stuck with them, and we are the ones who suffer the most for it.
Think about it, it's exhausting pretending to be something you're not to the general public, you need someone to vent on. Why not your wife, husband, mother, father or siblings or worse your own children. What are they going to do about it? Sure some of us can leave, but can we, really? In my case because of my kids I'm stuck with their father. Until they are grown and independent of us I have to deal with him. He takes advantage of this to it's fullest. My friends daughter has two children so if she wants to see her grand kids she's stuck dealing with her daughter. The list of people I know who are "stuck" is astronomical.
You're probably saying just walk away, don't deal with them at all but it's not that cut and dry. There are far too many innocent lives affected by these narcissists, someone needs to protect them. I guess that's what we are, protectors of the innocent and our sacrifice is our own sanity. Arms length if you can manage it, that works.
To anyone out there dealing with toxic individuals you are not alone, you are not the crazy one. It's them. They are masters of manipulation and once you figure out their game they will be done with you, guaranteed.
That's how I see it,
Tammy.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Idiots Are Coming! The Idiots Are Coming!
Yup that's right folks, Vancouver was over run by a handful of idiots last night and here's why...because the Vancouver Canucks lost the Stanley Cup to the Boston Bruins. Simple as that. And apparently a very good reason to start a riot.
I stopped watching the game after the third goal, I knew after the first we were done, so why bother? Not that there was much else on. I just couldn't bare to watch the inevitable. All the while quietly hoping the Canucks would turn it around.
It was the "late breaking news" where we witnessed the chaos down town. It was surreal but really not surprising considering the sheer numbers packed into the down town core. What did they expect? Either way it was a receipt for disaster. That many young unruly individuals? Sure the majority stood by and watched/filmed the events of the evening, that doesn't excuse them. They should have turned and left. Don't give the idiots a stage to perform on you're fueling their fire.
Are we really sore losers? Yes, we are. Why? Well this isn't the first time we've been here. Some of you might recall 1994? I do, I was disappointed then and vowed to end my relationship with hockey. For 16yrs I had succeeded, watching only the odd game when not given the choice. This year was different this year the Canucks were poised to take the cup and it really looked like they would this time right up until game 3 of the final round against Boston and of course game 4. Boston's wins were spectacular (no I am not a converted Bruins fan) Vancouver's win were by the skin of their teeth, and sheer luck. There is of course the whole officiating and bias towards Boston but at this point it's irrelevant, all our whining and complaining about it fell on deaf ears.
The writing was on the wall after game 6 and with cautious optimism we all held our breath for a home ice game 7 win. After all we had won the three previous home ice games why shouldn't we this one? I'll tell you why. Boston, though their tactics can be likened to a school yard bully, was the better team with an exceptional goalie, they figured out how to beat our team, literally and figuratively. 4-0 that's says it all, argue all you like the score speaks volumes. Like the previous games won by Boston they were ass kickings. Once the Bruins obtained the ever elusive first goal the Canucks literally fell apart, the game ended for them at that point.
But I digress...the point of this blog was to voice my opinion of the morons who thought it was acceptable to trash this beautiful city. All because of the disappointing outcome of a figgin hockey game. Seriously? It's a game, the best team ALWAYS wins, not the team whom we feel deserves it. It doesn't matter if you thought it should have been the Canucks. They didn't win, get over it. Will they have another chance? Sure, it's not like they got kicked out of the league for loosing.
This, however, is not a valid reason to destroy private and public property, nor is it a reason to utterly embarrass CANADA! After the 2010 Olympics you would think we were a little prouder to be Canadian and would act accordingly. Personally, I think those individuals responsible for and involved in the riot should be rounded up and sent to a country that lives in a constant state of rioting...teach them a lesson! LOSERS!
OK, that's off my chest. It's a bummer Boston won, it's a bummer it was on our ice. But there is always next year. And should we have a repeat of last nights event (the game not the riot) I hope it's on the opposing teams ice and their masses do not act like idiots and destroy their city, that's not what the championship is about. Some people here would do well to comprehend that.
That's how I see it.
Tammy.
I stopped watching the game after the third goal, I knew after the first we were done, so why bother? Not that there was much else on. I just couldn't bare to watch the inevitable. All the while quietly hoping the Canucks would turn it around.
It was the "late breaking news" where we witnessed the chaos down town. It was surreal but really not surprising considering the sheer numbers packed into the down town core. What did they expect? Either way it was a receipt for disaster. That many young unruly individuals? Sure the majority stood by and watched/filmed the events of the evening, that doesn't excuse them. They should have turned and left. Don't give the idiots a stage to perform on you're fueling their fire.
Are we really sore losers? Yes, we are. Why? Well this isn't the first time we've been here. Some of you might recall 1994? I do, I was disappointed then and vowed to end my relationship with hockey. For 16yrs I had succeeded, watching only the odd game when not given the choice. This year was different this year the Canucks were poised to take the cup and it really looked like they would this time right up until game 3 of the final round against Boston and of course game 4. Boston's wins were spectacular (no I am not a converted Bruins fan) Vancouver's win were by the skin of their teeth, and sheer luck. There is of course the whole officiating and bias towards Boston but at this point it's irrelevant, all our whining and complaining about it fell on deaf ears.
The writing was on the wall after game 6 and with cautious optimism we all held our breath for a home ice game 7 win. After all we had won the three previous home ice games why shouldn't we this one? I'll tell you why. Boston, though their tactics can be likened to a school yard bully, was the better team with an exceptional goalie, they figured out how to beat our team, literally and figuratively. 4-0 that's says it all, argue all you like the score speaks volumes. Like the previous games won by Boston they were ass kickings. Once the Bruins obtained the ever elusive first goal the Canucks literally fell apart, the game ended for them at that point.
But I digress...the point of this blog was to voice my opinion of the morons who thought it was acceptable to trash this beautiful city. All because of the disappointing outcome of a figgin hockey game. Seriously? It's a game, the best team ALWAYS wins, not the team whom we feel deserves it. It doesn't matter if you thought it should have been the Canucks. They didn't win, get over it. Will they have another chance? Sure, it's not like they got kicked out of the league for loosing.
This, however, is not a valid reason to destroy private and public property, nor is it a reason to utterly embarrass CANADA! After the 2010 Olympics you would think we were a little prouder to be Canadian and would act accordingly. Personally, I think those individuals responsible for and involved in the riot should be rounded up and sent to a country that lives in a constant state of rioting...teach them a lesson! LOSERS!
OK, that's off my chest. It's a bummer Boston won, it's a bummer it was on our ice. But there is always next year. And should we have a repeat of last nights event (the game not the riot) I hope it's on the opposing teams ice and their masses do not act like idiots and destroy their city, that's not what the championship is about. Some people here would do well to comprehend that.
That's how I see it.
Tammy.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Two Way Street My Ass!
This is going to come across as a little cynical which is unusual for me but recently things have been tough to say the least and I need this particular outlet to get it out of my head.
I have a friend, no not me, I have no problem talking about myself. This person has been a friend to me since about August 2003 when we first met. They have seen me through some tough times with my ex all the crap he put me through, our subsequent split and all the crap he continues to put me through. This friend is wise beyond their years, they offered valuable advice some I used some I didn't but all in all I knew I could always count on this person to listen.
Now it's my turn, they are in a questionable relationship and are unsure how to proceed. The protectionist in my wants to tell them to end it now for their own sanity, and I think I have suggested that in a round about way. I don't want to see my friend hurt and that's what I see happening. I also want my friend to finally find that all elusive perfect relationship that while we have all heard about it most of us are still searching for.
The way I see it, relationships are not a two way street they are a one way street with both partners expected to go in the same direction. It's about team work and being each others biggest fans. Not unrealistic expectations that lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication. That's another thing communication is key. Without great communication you are doomed. We really are not capable of reading each others minds even though in a really great relationship is seems that way. It's more about being on the same page as your partner.
My friend is in a relatively new relationship and from the start it was on shaky ground which has me concerned that this latest issue could have been avoided from the start if the relationship if it was ended then an there. Things seem to be escalating and unless something changes I don't see this ending well. I've made that clear, I hope I'm wrong but based on personal experience if a relationship starts off on rocky ground it will end the same way. Making excuses for the other person is not justification for remaining in a relationship that is floundering.
I suggested couples counseling, I'm no therapist I can only relay my personal opinion and in an attempt to protect my friend some may be biased. I wish them all the best but I just don't buy it. I don't see this lasting, there are too many negative variables that are predicting the demise of the relationship. Just how long can they stretch it out before someone snaps? This is yet to be seen.
It has been four years since my ex and I split and in those four years I've gone through many phases of this loss. The what if phase lasted the longest and only recently I've come to terms with the answer. What if I had not had the courage to end the relationship, where would we be today? Exactly where four years ago struggling to keep a dying relationship alive and each of us just as miserable.
What did it for me was the realisation that from the start of the relationship my ex was never "in love" with me. He had moments through out the thirteen years where I know he was content with the relationship but it was never real love. He never put my needs before his, he never spoke of his real feelings towards me and his happiness with our relationship and wanting to grow old together. When I questioned him about this his response was that he didn't think he knew what love was supposed to feel like. Of course he blamed this on his parents which I believed at the time but the truth was he just didn't love me. And that still hurts.
He's in a new relationship now and from what I can gather, after receiving a rather mushy text intended for her in error that he is capable of feeling love towards another...just not me. Never me. I was a thorn in his side from the start, I got pregnant, even though he was party to that, he never said he wanted to have kids, it just happened. When we got married it was more a business arrangement we shook hands when it was decided, there was no down on bended knee proclaiming everlasting love. It was simply a gesture on his part so I would have the same last name as our kids. Not a romantic bone in his body, at least not where I was concerned.
What's done is done. We were on a two way street, my friend is navigating a two way street full of road bumps and blocks. Is there real love there? Maybe, will it survive? That I don't know. I have no answer all I have is personal experience and what I would do differently if given a chance. Maybe in my next life.
That's how I see it,
Tammy.
I have a friend, no not me, I have no problem talking about myself. This person has been a friend to me since about August 2003 when we first met. They have seen me through some tough times with my ex all the crap he put me through, our subsequent split and all the crap he continues to put me through. This friend is wise beyond their years, they offered valuable advice some I used some I didn't but all in all I knew I could always count on this person to listen.
Now it's my turn, they are in a questionable relationship and are unsure how to proceed. The protectionist in my wants to tell them to end it now for their own sanity, and I think I have suggested that in a round about way. I don't want to see my friend hurt and that's what I see happening. I also want my friend to finally find that all elusive perfect relationship that while we have all heard about it most of us are still searching for.
The way I see it, relationships are not a two way street they are a one way street with both partners expected to go in the same direction. It's about team work and being each others biggest fans. Not unrealistic expectations that lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication. That's another thing communication is key. Without great communication you are doomed. We really are not capable of reading each others minds even though in a really great relationship is seems that way. It's more about being on the same page as your partner.
My friend is in a relatively new relationship and from the start it was on shaky ground which has me concerned that this latest issue could have been avoided from the start if the relationship if it was ended then an there. Things seem to be escalating and unless something changes I don't see this ending well. I've made that clear, I hope I'm wrong but based on personal experience if a relationship starts off on rocky ground it will end the same way. Making excuses for the other person is not justification for remaining in a relationship that is floundering.
I suggested couples counseling, I'm no therapist I can only relay my personal opinion and in an attempt to protect my friend some may be biased. I wish them all the best but I just don't buy it. I don't see this lasting, there are too many negative variables that are predicting the demise of the relationship. Just how long can they stretch it out before someone snaps? This is yet to be seen.
It has been four years since my ex and I split and in those four years I've gone through many phases of this loss. The what if phase lasted the longest and only recently I've come to terms with the answer. What if I had not had the courage to end the relationship, where would we be today? Exactly where four years ago struggling to keep a dying relationship alive and each of us just as miserable.
What did it for me was the realisation that from the start of the relationship my ex was never "in love" with me. He had moments through out the thirteen years where I know he was content with the relationship but it was never real love. He never put my needs before his, he never spoke of his real feelings towards me and his happiness with our relationship and wanting to grow old together. When I questioned him about this his response was that he didn't think he knew what love was supposed to feel like. Of course he blamed this on his parents which I believed at the time but the truth was he just didn't love me. And that still hurts.
He's in a new relationship now and from what I can gather, after receiving a rather mushy text intended for her in error that he is capable of feeling love towards another...just not me. Never me. I was a thorn in his side from the start, I got pregnant, even though he was party to that, he never said he wanted to have kids, it just happened. When we got married it was more a business arrangement we shook hands when it was decided, there was no down on bended knee proclaiming everlasting love. It was simply a gesture on his part so I would have the same last name as our kids. Not a romantic bone in his body, at least not where I was concerned.
What's done is done. We were on a two way street, my friend is navigating a two way street full of road bumps and blocks. Is there real love there? Maybe, will it survive? That I don't know. I have no answer all I have is personal experience and what I would do differently if given a chance. Maybe in my next life.
That's how I see it,
Tammy.
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