Teenagers!

I was one once, I know it's not an easy task.  As the parent of two of my own I have to tell you, teenagers should come with instructions!

I don't recall giving my parents the "attitude" I've had to endure.  I don't recall being disrespectful to my elders.  I don't recall feeling entitled to all I was given.

Then again, I didn't have a cell phone, or a personal computer, Facebook didn't exist.  When it was time for dinner my dad stood at the front door bellowing for us to come home.  If we were in earshot we came running, if not and we were late we caught crap.  If we were at a friends house either we called home or home called us.  On a land line, with the receiver still attached to the base.  If you were lucky, it was push button otherwise, you had a rotary phone.

If you back talked your parents you got punished.  You were grounded for life, which a week sure seemed that way because you didn't have social networking and Youtube or Netflix to pass the time.  You spent it in your room, usually with the added sentence of cleaning said room.  And not stuffing everything under the bed or in the closet, that would garner you an additional week!

Teenagers these days are so very fortunate and that good fortune seems to translate to them as entitlement.  We, the parents, did that to them.  We unwittingly entitled our children, why?  Because we can.  Because most cell phone providers have "family plans"  so why not get your eight year old a cell phone it's only an additional $25.00 or so.  Pretty much every family has a computer, some two or three.  Netbooks, iPods, iPads, e-Readers gaming systems...take your pick.  Bet you have a few of those too huh?

We are raising a society of narcissists because we can.  Because it's easier to plop junior in front of the TV for an hour and a haft to watch whatever movie their little heart desires so we can have some free time to chat on-line with a friend we have never met in person.  Holy crap we are doing this so wrong.  How do you make it stop?  How do you take a teenagers phone away from them without them threatening to call child services or worse threatening to kill themselves?  As parents we are absolutely powerless. We have relinquished our power because "they" said we should.

You know, the "they" who said you shouldn't spank your kids.  That you should "talk" to them not at them.  The so called experts who decided that giving them everything will empower them.  Well, it worked but in doing so we became powerless.  Oh, and if you try now to be a parent, they unfriend you on facebook and worse still, block you.  Then delete you from their lives because you gave them the choice.  Out of fear of loosing them you lost them.

Imagine that, giving your child the power to shut you out of their lives because you said no.  I remember threatening to "run away" because I wasn't happy with whatever punishment my parents had just doled out and my dad told me to go pack my bags he'd drive me to the bus station.  Did he call my on it? You bet.  Now days, if a parent did that they would be the ones having their bluff called.  I know, I've tried and I was told by my teenager, "that's fine, I'll go live with dad."

Should I have let that happen?  Probably.  Did I? No.  I backed down and let them win.  Do I feel like a complete failure as a parent? Absolutely.  I empowered them, I've given them all they asked for and because of that I have created who they are today.  They don't back talk their dad.  They wouldn't dare.  However, they do limit what they share with him for fear of loosing what they feel is rightfully theirs.  So what's worse?  Being the parent with whom they feel confident in walking all over or the parent from whom they hide things? 

When my kids are adults and looking back on their teen years I want them to say, "my mom was tough but fair". What I fear they will say is "my mom was such a push over, so easily manipulated".  This is a terrifying prospect because if they can do it to me who else will they do it too? 

I'm reading a book right now, "Nurture Shock" by Po Bronson.  The shocking thing is, it's not the kids who need the nurture shock it's the parents who have been brainwashed into a kinder gentler form of parenting.  I'll keep you posted on what I learn from this book.  One thing's for sure, I will not raise a pair of narcissists.  I will teach them appreciation, respect and gratitude and when they have kids of their own I hope that I've set a good enough example that they follow suite.

That's, how I see it.
Tammy.

*** I've learned a few tricks helping a friend deal with a difficult teenager it's made a huge difference in my life... go here to read how I feel about teenagers.***