This is going to come across as a little cynical which is unusual for me but recently things have been tough to say the least and I need this particular outlet to get it out of my head.
I have a friend, no not me, I have no problem talking about myself. This person has been a friend to me since about August 2003 when we first met. They have seen me through some tough times with my ex all the crap he put me through, our subsequent split and all the crap he continues to put me through. This friend is wise beyond their years, they offered valuable advice some I used some I didn't but all in all I knew I could always count on this person to listen.
Now it's my turn, they are in a questionable relationship and are unsure how to proceed. The protectionist in my wants to tell them to end it now for their own sanity, and I think I have suggested that in a round about way. I don't want to see my friend hurt and that's what I see happening. I also want my friend to finally find that all elusive perfect relationship that while we have all heard about it most of us are still searching for.
The way I see it, relationships are not a two way street they are a one way street with both partners expected to go in the same direction. It's about team work and being each others biggest fans. Not unrealistic expectations that lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication. That's another thing communication is key. Without great communication you are doomed. We really are not capable of reading each others minds even though in a really great relationship is seems that way. It's more about being on the same page as your partner.
My friend is in a relatively new relationship and from the start it was on shaky ground which has me concerned that this latest issue could have been avoided from the start if the relationship if it was ended then an there. Things seem to be escalating and unless something changes I don't see this ending well. I've made that clear, I hope I'm wrong but based on personal experience if a relationship starts off on rocky ground it will end the same way. Making excuses for the other person is not justification for remaining in a relationship that is floundering.
I suggested couples counseling, I'm no therapist I can only relay my personal opinion and in an attempt to protect my friend some may be biased. I wish them all the best but I just don't buy it. I don't see this lasting, there are too many negative variables that are predicting the demise of the relationship. Just how long can they stretch it out before someone snaps? This is yet to be seen.
It has been four years since my ex and I split and in those four years I've gone through many phases of this loss. The what if phase lasted the longest and only recently I've come to terms with the answer. What if I had not had the courage to end the relationship, where would we be today? Exactly where four years ago struggling to keep a dying relationship alive and each of us just as miserable.
What did it for me was the realisation that from the start of the relationship my ex was never "in love" with me. He had moments through out the thirteen years where I know he was content with the relationship but it was never real love. He never put my needs before his, he never spoke of his real feelings towards me and his happiness with our relationship and wanting to grow old together. When I questioned him about this his response was that he didn't think he knew what love was supposed to feel like. Of course he blamed this on his parents which I believed at the time but the truth was he just didn't love me. And that still hurts.
He's in a new relationship now and from what I can gather, after receiving a rather mushy text intended for her in error that he is capable of feeling love towards another...just not me. Never me. I was a thorn in his side from the start, I got pregnant, even though he was party to that, he never said he wanted to have kids, it just happened. When we got married it was more a business arrangement we shook hands when it was decided, there was no down on bended knee proclaiming everlasting love. It was simply a gesture on his part so I would have the same last name as our kids. Not a romantic bone in his body, at least not where I was concerned.
What's done is done. We were on a two way street, my friend is navigating a two way street full of road bumps and blocks. Is there real love there? Maybe, will it survive? That I don't know. I have no answer all I have is personal experience and what I would do differently if given a chance. Maybe in my next life.
That's how I see it,
Tammy.
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